recided

So I saw my first porno the other day. Well, that’s not 100% true. I had a friend in college whose roommate always had the same porno on his TV (in the living room) 24/7. But I never sat down to watch. One, the room was full of irritating college boys. Two, I could never tell what was going on. It was just a mass of pink close ups like a Silly Putty orgy.  And I had drawn most every piece of anatomy by that point thanks to a figure drawing class my Freshman year, but it didn’t matter what angle I held my head, I just couldn’t figure out what we were looking at. And three, I’ve just never been that interested in watching other people have sex. I’d rather just go do it myself.

But the other day it was determined that my life was incomplete without this experience, so I sat down to watch an adult film that was supposed to be more esoteric than most. The star wrote and directed the whole thing. It was like Alice in Wonderland meets The Sopranos (Jersey Shore might be more accurate. The Sopranos is a bit too classy. Just think big, greasy Italian thug) and they all have sex. We started with our pretty blond star in a cute little blue dress that made me think Alice. She and Guido are standing on the stoop of a creepy castle/mansion.

We pause WAY too long for her to look around and show off her ridiculously huge features (think Bratz doll with giant bowling ball boobs, but we’ll get to those later), then we’re in some sort of foyer/courtyard room where Guido proceeds to pull out a knife and cut off Bratz Alice’s dress. She’s resistant, which isn’t sexy, it’s rape, but she wrote it & we’re watching a porno, so whatever. He then runs the knife all up and down her body which sent me between gales of laughter at how corny and fits of my mom worrying that someone is going to get hurt playing with a knife like that.

So beneath the dress is this bra/panty set made of what appears to be opaque pantyhose material. It reminded me of a Chuck Norris movie I saw when I was 10. They kidnapped Chuck’s girlfriend and probably some other women, and proceeded to repeatedly rip the shirts of these women to reveal plain flesh-toned bras that I suppose were supposed to hint at naked booby, but even at age 10, I knew better, and I hadn’t even made it to training bras yet.

OK, back to BA and her friend Guido. So he finally gets around to cutting off her bra & out bound these two, super firm (like break your neck if they hit you in the head) boobs. They each kind of run toward an armpit as best they can in their over-stretched state. It was quite the ad for keeping my own boobs. I just busted out laughing. I’ve seen plenty of boobs (figure drawing where I had to study and then replicate them in charcoal, a Swedish roommate who didn’t seem to realize that wandering around our room naked would be weird to an American, TV, duh), and the only place I’ve seen boobs this hard and over stretched was that documentary from the late 90s on VH1 or MTV with all these topless women discussing their boobs. I think it was for breast cancer awareness or something. Anyway, there was this one lady with what was obviously a boob job where the sacks of sand they’d used (sand is silica which is silicon) dragged her nipples to the floor but held their perfectly round shape at the end of two long, purple strips of skin. So that’s immediately what I thought of. Bratz Alice in a few years with her boobs to the floor.

Then, we go in for the close up as she feebly tries to fend him off her panties. He throws her hand the the side and cuts those away to reveal a huge close up of a gaping porn star vagina! Now I admit that I am not as familiar with the workings of my lady parts as some might expect having had them for as long as I have. But there are just some angles you can’t really see, and unlike The Color Purple, I’m not standing over a mirror to get a better look. I know what’s down there. I know what it’s for. I use it for that (except the baby squeezing part. That sounds horrific and I’m just not prepared to do that). But I’ve never gotten quite such an extended and macroscopic view of gaping vajay. It was a dark pit surrounded by pink (and no, the porn from college didn’t make any more sense with this slow pan over BA’s lady bits) and really reminded me of the Sarlacc from Star Wars. George Lucas must have some serious lady issues, because I have seen the Sarlacc and it is not on Tatooine. It’s attached to the underside of Bratz Alice. I just couldn’t help it, I literally rolled on the floor laughing.

So having recovered, I picked myself up just in time to see Guido reveal a baby arm that he had attached to his pelvis. I swear it was an actual baby arm, but it was more like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s baby arm with giant veins sticking out all over it. I’ve never found giant veins sexy, they look more like worms under the skin, and if you measure from your vagina up toward your belly button, a 12 inch cock becomes a very disturbing thought. I mean, what important organs are getting jabbed (more like punched in this guy’s case)?

So the baby arm and the Sarlacc got acquainted in a variety of positions and settings with this weird classical music sound track as Bratz Alice & Guido got into more and more intricate poses, many of which reminded me of Swan Lake, up until the climax when BA has had all of her makeup rubbed off and she looks, glassy eyed, at Guido as he sprays her in the face à la Stanley Spadowski with the fire hose!

It continued to get weirder with clear plastic stripper shoes, some women in dominatrix get up and real boobs, what looked like one of those crystal door knobs from my grandmothers house and a poorly done spanking (the spanker didn’t look that into it, BA was facing the corner, and the sound effect was pretty amazing), but I’m going to leave you all with some advice. I don’t care how much fun spraying a woman in the face with semen seems, it’s not cool or sexy and you probably won’t get to tap that again. That’s assuming you get to tap anything again if she’s anything like me and willing to punch a guy in the twigs and berries. They’re out there, fellas, and they look sweet and innocent until you get a one-two to the family jewels. So just play it safe and keep the spooge off the face.